1) Turn your ring tone off. It’s 2012, put that shit on vibrate! No one wants to hear your loud, disruptive, stupid ring tone!
2) Don’t EVER dip your fingers into communal food. Don’t eat your food over the food, and don’t give me a dirty look when I say “Are you serious? You gross sloth!” Just DON’T.
3) Don’t bring your smelly, leftovers to work. Yeah, that crab cake was probably fucking delicious when you got it, 24 hours ago. NOT ANYMORE. I don’t want my soup tasting like dumpster juice and old bus seats! Keep that shit at home..and out of the microwave at work.
4) Don’t send out mass emails unless that email has the secret of life…or something of similar importance.. I don’t want my inbox flooded with compliments you received from a client…great… awesome. You did your job.
last but not least
5) Don’t talk to me. Ever.
I pulled a muscle in my back while blow-drying my hair last night… Ok, fine. I can deal with this…but then, after sitting on my bathroom floor crying for a full minute; I decided to pull it together and go read the book I downloaded earlier that day. I have been looking forward to sitting in my bed, alone, without children, drinking a huge glass of wine, and reading this God damn book ALL DAY LONG…I limp into my bedroom (even though I didn’t hurt my legs…and I can walk just fine, I am dramatic and really feeling sorry for myself)..crawl into bed and turn on my computer (that I charged for 24 hours, so that I could read this book uninterrupted). Take a deep breath, and realize my $9.99 Itunes download won’t open. I start crying again…Google “why won’t my fucking book open?”…after about 13 minutes of sobbing, I fall onto my knees…softly) and scream…quietly..(my kids are asleep and the last thing I need right now are two half asleep little girls asking if they can “Watch just one half of a show please, Momma!?”) “WHY!! WHY!! Why me, God!? Is it too much to ask? A book? A FUCKING BOOK!? It’s not porn, I’m not online shopping… I am trying to READ! Enrich my mind! Do something productive with the last few hours of this day! I wanna read this trashy book, on my computer, in my bed, RIGHT NOW!” This didn’t work, I still could not open the book. Now I’m angry. Not sad. No more self pity. I’m fucking pissed.
I call Apple…those happy little customer service reps will SURELY help me. Well, they did, they helped… “Oh, sorry, Ma’am, you can’t read books on a Mac Book…you need an Ipad, or an Iphone. You need to have the Ibooks app, and it isn’t compatible with the Mac Book Pro.” WHAT THE SHIT! Apple? You sneaky bastards! You didn’t tell me this when I went to your stupid overpriced Itunes store and giddily downloaded this book! You didn’t tell me that my $1200.00… TWEVLE HUNDRED DOLLAR Mac Book PRO wasn’t capable of reading books! So, now I have to spend another $300 (refurbished, I’m not paying full price) on an Ipad? Because I will. I fucking will. I won’t let this perfect, unopened cyber book go to waste…sitting alone in my “Books” folder (the ones I can’t read because I wasn’t told that I had to buy a completely separate device to read them)… I hate you, Apple. I hate you. You ruined my night. You and Conair…yeah, Conair…you assholes. Make a blow-dryer that doesn’t require such coordination next time! Now, I’m sitting on my computer at ONE in the morning searching for Ipads…this is ridiculous. I am so ridiculous. “NO, NORA! You cannot buy an Ipad. What? Do you think it will magically appear, out of thin air? Like on some Willy Wonka, Mike Teavee shit? Unbelievable. Go to bed, you lunatic.”
So I went to bed. I plan on reading this book tonight, I plan on reading this book because I am going to do what normal people do…go to the bookstore and buy it. Fuck off, Apple.
To the kids at the park who said “fuck that white bitch”…as I walked away, after asking you to pick up your trash…because we play at this park, and we don’t want to look at your donut wrappers, or Coke bottles…I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I bet you live in a house with a mom or dad or doesn’t care, they’ve probably never read you a book before bed…or told you you’re great…they probably don’t give a fuck..since, well..you are only 7 (or so) and you’re alone at the park…eating donuts and drinking soda. I’m sorry that your parents…or whoever raises you doesn’t care. If they did, you wouldn’t have said those horrible things to me, in front my of kids…or thrown your trash on the ground…. I’m sorry because you are the norm..and there’s not a single person who will do anything to stop this…and you’ll have kids who will probably say and do the same things you do…and I just hope, that my children will be strong enough to pick up that trash, throw it away, and say to you “I’m sorry you’re having a rough day…” and casually walk to the car.. and go home.
Have you ever thought about religion? How absolutely ridiculous this whole concept is? A man, dying…coming back from the dead…then living in the clouds…THE CLOUDS…THEN you people go to a big place every Sunday to pray to this ghost who lives…. in the clouds…and you donate money to places and people to raise awareness…for the man in the clouds. Guys? You’re all fucking lunatics.
Oh! Real quick… Guys? No one (me) on Facebook really gives a fuck about the following: your stance on public assistance or lack thereof; your opinion about the black kid shot in Florida; your hatred towards our president; whether or not you think it’s “fair” that millions of Americans are out of work and collecting welfare…or if you disagree with it. We (I) don’t care if you’re prolife and why people who aren’t suck at everything they do..(we don’t by the way)…Honestly, I can’t take any of this shit seriously for one reason..75.62% you can’t even fucking spell the word “YOU’RE”..if you can’t spell, I can’t listen. Let’s get one thing clear…if you are going to generalize the shit out of a social group or race, fine… but hating someone or something because you don’t know or understand it/them…well, that’s call “ignorance” (Google it..it doesn’t mean “rude”).. and last but not least, stop reposting those stupid “repost this if you agree” posts. Why? You’re wasting my precious newsfeed with that bullshit.