@djimpulse you

@djimpulse you

(Source: bewareofmpreg, via thedude-----deactivated20121010)

Office etiquette:

1) Turn your ring tone off. It’s 2012, put that shit on vibrate! No one wants to hear your loud, disruptive, stupid ring tone!

2) Don’t EVER dip your fingers into communal food. Don’t eat your food over the food, and don’t give me a dirty look when I say “Are you serious? You gross sloth!” Just DON’T.

3) Don’t bring your smelly, leftovers to work. Yeah, that crab cake was probably fucking delicious when you got it, 24 hours ago. NOT ANYMORE. I don’t want my soup tasting like dumpster juice and old bus seats! Keep that shit at home..and out of the microwave at work.

4) Don’t send out mass emails unless that email has the secret of life…or something of similar importance.. I don’t want my inbox flooded with compliments you received from a client…great… awesome. You did your job.

last but not least

5) Don’t talk to me. Ever.

Dear London…

I love you, I love you, I love you (I love you)…I have been at your beckon call for the last 5 days. I have meticulously cared for you and I have foregone any significant sleep since the day you came home from the hospital..not just last week, but that one time, when you were born? and I took you home?..yeah..that hospital. I have spoken to you softly and kindly and rubbed your back and feet while you were recovering from the tubes that were gently placed into your tiny little ears last week. You are more important to me than coffee..you rock my world…but listen up, child. You have been a real dickhead the last two days. You have. This is a fact. You have whined, and bossed me around, and you woke me up in the middle of the first real sleep ELEVEN times last night and the night before. London, cut the shit. You’re fine now. You have been fine for 3 days. Now you’re just taking advantage of the worrying, vulnerable state that I was in. Maybe if I hadn’t seen you running around at the park, doing cartwheels and dancing around the house in my high heels, I’d feel differently. But I know, I KNOW that you are just fucking fine. You do not need to sleep in my bed. You do not need to cry (unless something is bleeding or you are being abducted)…This is your last warning, if you wake me up tonight, or whine about ANYTHING, or demand me to do one more God Damn thing for you? I am going to walk up to your room, take a dump on your bed, lay on your floor, and scream at the top of my lungs “I NEED SUMPIN, I NEED SUMPIN. GET ME SUMPIN.” THEN, I’m going to throw all of your shit all over the floor, not clean it up, and walk into the bathroom while you’re trying to pee, alone…and stand there until you get me my fucking milk..and if you don’t? I will flail my arms in your face and tell you how much I want my daddy… if this doesn’t work? I am shipping you off to baby boarding school…in China. You will make IPhones and fake Gucci bags.. Last chance. Mark my words. Last-fucking-chance.



Love, 
 Your Mother

Dear London…

I love you, I love you, I love you (I love you)…I have been at your beckon call for the last 5 days. I have meticulously cared for you and I have foregone any significant sleep since the day you came home from the hospital..not just last week, but that one time, when you were born? and I took you home?..yeah..that hospital. I have spoken to you softly and kindly and rubbed your back and feet while you were recovering from the tubes that were gently placed into your tiny little ears last week. You are more important to me than coffee..you rock my world…but listen up, child. You have been a real dickhead the last two days. You have. This is a fact. You have whined, and bossed me around, and you woke me up in the middle of the first real sleep ELEVEN times last night and the night before. London, cut the shit. You’re fine now. You have been fine for 3 days. Now you’re just taking advantage of the worrying, vulnerable state that I was in. Maybe if I hadn’t seen you running around at the park, doing cartwheels and dancing around the house in my high heels, I’d feel differently. But I know, I KNOW that you are just fucking fine. You do not need to sleep in my bed. You do not need to cry (unless something is bleeding or you are being abducted)…This is your last warning, if you wake me up tonight, or whine about ANYTHING, or demand me to do one more God Damn thing for you? I am going to walk up to your room, take a dump on your bed, lay on your floor, and scream at the top of my lungs “I NEED SUMPIN, I NEED SUMPIN. GET ME SUMPIN.” THEN, I’m going to throw all of your shit all over the floor, not clean it up, and walk into the bathroom while you’re trying to pee, alone…and stand there until you get me my fucking milk..and if you don’t? I will flail my arms in your face and tell you how much I want my daddy… if this doesn’t work? I am shipping you off to baby boarding school…in China. You will make IPhones and fake Gucci bags.. Last chance. Mark my words. Last-fucking-chance.

Love,

Your Mother

(Source: y2kbae, via vintagevandalizm)

Kobi (5 year old) made a “Get Well Soon” card for London (3 year old) yesterday at school (she is the sweetest kid)..Kobi hands the card to her sister when she comes home and London says “Oh, I love it, Kobi! But where’s Mommy? You forgot Mommy!”…Kobi starts crying…”I’m so sorry, Mom! I will make a new one..” I said “No, Kobi! This is perfect…it’s for London. I love this the way it is…” 
This morning London comes into my room with the card in her hand and says…
"Mommy, I put you in my card…you’re holding my hand. I love you so much.." 
Kids are great. They are such wonderful little people. I hope this makes someone smile today.
Happy Friday. 

Kobi (5 year old) made a “Get Well Soon” card for London (3 year old) yesterday at school (she is the sweetest kid)..Kobi hands the card to her sister when she comes home and London says “Oh, I love it, Kobi! But where’s Mommy? You forgot Mommy!”…Kobi starts crying…”I’m so sorry, Mom! I will make a new one..” I said “No, Kobi! This is perfect…it’s for London. I love this the way it is…” 

This morning London comes into my room with the card in her hand and says…

"Mommy, I put you in my card…you’re holding my hand. I love you so much.." 

Kids are great. They are such wonderful little people. I hope this makes someone smile today.

Happy Friday. 

Apple…listen up.

I pulled a muscle in my back while blow-drying my hair last night… Ok, fine. I can deal with this…but then, after sitting on my bathroom floor crying for a full minute; I decided to pull it together and go read the book I downloaded earlier that day. I have been looking forward to sitting in my bed, alone, without children, drinking a huge glass of wine, and reading this God damn book ALL DAY LONG…I limp into my bedroom (even though I didn’t hurt my legs…and I can walk just fine, I am dramatic and really feeling sorry for myself)..crawl into bed and turn on my computer (that I charged for 24 hours, so that I could read this book uninterrupted). Take a deep breath, and realize my $9.99 Itunes download won’t open. I start crying again…Google “why won’t my fucking book open?”…after about 13 minutes of sobbing, I fall onto my knees…softly) and scream…quietly..(my kids are asleep and the last thing I need right now are two half asleep little girls asking if they can “Watch just one half of a show please, Momma!?”) “WHY!! WHY!! Why me, God!? Is it too much to ask? A book? A FUCKING BOOK!? It’s not porn, I’m not online shopping… I am trying to READ! Enrich my mind! Do something productive with the last few hours of this day! I wanna read this trashy book, on my computer, in my bed, RIGHT NOW!” This didn’t work, I still could not open the book. Now I’m angry. Not sad. No more self pity. I’m fucking pissed.

I call Apple…those happy little customer service reps will SURELY help me. Well, they did, they helped… “Oh, sorry, Ma’am, you can’t read books on a Mac Book…you need an Ipad, or an Iphone. You need to have the Ibooks app, and it isn’t compatible with the Mac Book Pro.” WHAT THE SHIT! Apple? You sneaky bastards! You didn’t tell me this when I went to your stupid overpriced Itunes store and giddily downloaded this book! You didn’t tell me that my $1200.00… TWEVLE HUNDRED DOLLAR Mac Book PRO wasn’t capable of reading books! So, now I have to spend another $300 (refurbished, I’m not paying full price) on an Ipad? Because I will. I fucking will. I won’t let this perfect, unopened cyber book go to waste…sitting alone in my “Books” folder (the ones I can’t read because I wasn’t told that I had to buy a completely separate device to read them)… I hate you, Apple. I hate you. You ruined my night. You and Conair…yeah, Conair…you assholes. Make a blow-dryer that doesn’t require such coordination next time! Now, I’m sitting on my computer at ONE in the morning searching for Ipads…this is ridiculous. I am so ridiculous. “NO, NORA! You cannot buy an Ipad. What? Do you think it will magically appear, out of thin air? Like on some Willy Wonka, Mike Teavee shit? Unbelievable. Go to bed, you lunatic.”

So I went to bed. I plan on reading this book tonight, I plan on reading this book because I am going to do what normal people do…go to the bookstore and buy it. Fuck off, Apple.

I’m sorry.

To the kids at the park who said “fuck that white bitch”…as I walked away, after asking you to pick up your trash…because we play at this park, and we don’t want to look at your donut wrappers, or Coke bottles…I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I bet you live in a house with a mom or dad or doesn’t care, they’ve probably never read you a book before bed…or told you you’re great…they probably don’t give a fuck..since, well..you are only 7 (or so) and you’re alone at the park…eating donuts and drinking soda. I’m sorry that your parents…or whoever raises you doesn’t care. If they did, you wouldn’t have said those horrible things to me, in front my of kids…or thrown your trash on the ground…. I’m sorry because you are the norm..and there’s not a single person who will do anything to stop this…and you’ll have kids who will probably say and do the same things you do…and I just hope, that my children will be strong enough to pick up that trash, throw it away, and say to you “I’m sorry you’re having a rough day…” and casually walk to the car.. and go home.

Have you ever thought about religion? How absolutely ridiculous this whole concept is? A man, dying…coming back from the dead…then living in the clouds…THE CLOUDS…THEN you people go to a big place every Sunday to pray to this ghost who lives…. in the clouds…and you donate money to places and people to raise awareness…for the man in the clouds. Guys? You’re all fucking lunatics. 

My daughter and my mother. Two women who fucking rule.

My daughter and my mother. Two women who fucking rule.

emmygoesto:

#whitegirlproblems

Listen up fools

Someone posted something on Facebook today that went something like this: “if you have tattoos, you shouldn’t be allowed to get public assistance”..huh? You guys are nuts. Unless the tattoo says “I use my food stamps to buy heroine and mayonnaise”..I don’t think there’s any validity to this “can’t have tattoos” bullshit. I think you fuckers just sit around thinking of reasons to hate people. Gross.

 

Side-note: I wish there was welfare for gas..like gas stamps..I’d apply for those…

OK, anyway..this really pissed me off…and I have something to say to all you barbie dicks out there acting like you know anything about anything….

Oh! Real quick… Guys? No one (me) on Facebook really gives a fuck about the following: your stance on public assistance or lack thereof; your opinion about the black kid shot in Florida; your hatred towards our president; whether or not you think it’s “fair” that millions of Americans are out of work and collecting welfare…or if you disagree with it. We (I) don’t care if you’re prolife and why people who aren’t suck at everything they do..(we don’t by the way)…Honestly, I can’t take any of this shit seriously for one reason..75.62% you can’t even fucking spell the word “YOU’RE”..if you can’t spell, I can’t listen. Let’s get one thing clear…if you are going to generalize the shit out of a social group or race, fine… but hating someone or something because you don’t know or understand it/them…well, that’s call “ignorance” (Google it..it doesn’t mean “rude”).. and last but not least, stop reposting those stupid “repost this if you agree” posts. Why? You’re wasting my precious newsfeed with that bullshit.

Ok. Let’s get back to posting about what we ate for lunch and how much we love our boyfriends or how much we hate them…or how you’re “so glad you don’t have any fake people in your life anymore”. Weirdos.

 

myfirstimpulse:

The Get Down, Baltimore